


overture

by thunderylee



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Casual Sex, Genderqueer Character, LGBTQ Themes, Other, kat-tun cameo, lots of gender talk, member love, past koyashige, they/them pronouns, unprotected sex, yamapi cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 03:29:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13045560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Tegoshi comes out (again) and Koyama adapts.





	overture

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't the comeback fic i wanted to write, but this is what came out. tadaima?

“I’ve decided,” Tegoshi announces during a rehearsal break. “I’m thirty years old now, and I won’t go on living a lie, especially in front of my precious members.” 

Massu pauses in his floor stretches and offers Tegoshi an exasperated look. “You already came out to us ten years ago.” 

“And five years ago,” Shige adds without looking up from his book. 

“Yes, well, the world was a different place back then.” Tegoshi clears his throat and Koyama glances up from where he’d been shuffling through paperwork, his attention sufficiently demanded. “After a lot of thought and soul-searching, I have determined that I’m not a man.” 

“You’re going back to being a woman?” Shige inquires, visibly cringing as he presumably remembers the Yuuko era all too well. “I thought full-time femininity wasn’t for you.” 

“It’s not,” Tegoshi tells him. “I don’t feel entirely like a woman just like I don’t feel entirely like a man. It feels like playing a part whenever I have to be one or the other. Gender is an accessory I can choose to wear if I want to be seen a certain way, but my very core is not one or the other. I don’t fluctuate between man and woman—I don’t identify with either. I’m genderfree.” 

Massu's features are scrunched in confusion. “Are you still gay?” 

“Depends if you still define sexuality based on body parts or not,” Tegoshi answers. “If you view homosexuality as dick on dick, then oh yeah, I’m as gay as the day is long. But if it’s more about being attracted to another person’s personality or appearance, I’m into everything.” 

Koyama tries to wrap his head around all of this and fails miserably. “Do we need to understand it?” he asks carefully. “I mean, I accept you and love you however you are, but unless you’re going to go public and start a revolution, nothing is really changing, is it?” 

“I suppose not, no,” Tegoshi says, offering a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Koyama feels mildly insulted. “You three are my most important people, so I wanted to share this with you, just like the other two times.” 

“I think what Kei means,” Shige backpedals for Koyama, “is that the way we look at you and treat you will stay the same. Unless we’ve been unintentionally masculinizing you lately?” 

“You haven’t been,” Tegoshi rushes to assure him, and Shige lets out a breath of relief. Koyama smiles—allyship is so important to Shige. “I guess I have to push the ‘manly’ image so much in interviews that I want to be myself with you guys. I’m sorry if I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” 

“Your identity is definitely a big deal,” Massu says firmly, and Tegoshi’s smile broadens. “I’m happy that you’ve finally figured yourself out, Yuuya.” 

“Oh, are you changing your name again?” Shige asks suddenly. “Something gender-neutral, maybe? There aren’t many options in Japanese, but—” 

“I’m keeping my name,” Tegoshi tells them. “It’s the name I’ve had my whole life. And just about everyone uses my family name anyway.” 

Koyama nods, still lost at all of the questions and answers that are flying around him. He’d thought he was well-versed in gender identity and sexuality issues (he himself is bisexual, and he has friends who are trans), but this is something brand new. He’s never questioned that he was anything other than a man, and not just because he was born with a penis. The concept of having _no_ gender is so beyond the realm of his comprehension that it feels like his brain is exploding just by thinking about it. 

He waits until he’s home before calling Shige, who has been his go-to for these kinds of topics since the younger idol had first started his public advocacy a couple years ago. “I don’t get it, Shige. How am I supposed to look at him now?” 

“You can start by nixing the masculine language,” Shige says, his tone patient and sympathetic. “We may not have gendered pronouns like in English, but you can still respect Tegoshi by using gender-neutral words. Pretend you don’t know what gender they are, or you’re speaking about someone you don’t know.” 

“That’s so impersonal,” Koyama thinks out loud. “I’ve known him for fifteen years, Shige. I can’t start talking about him like a nameless, faceless stranger.” 

“You switched to feminine language just fine when they were living as a woman, didn’t you?” Shige asks, and now his tone is pointed. “Is this even about Tegoshi, or do you not believe in the gender spectrum beyond the binary man and woman?” 

“I don’t know what I believe,” Koyama replies with a frown. “I’m thirty-three years old, Shige. I want to be a good ally like you, and a supportive leader and friend to Tegoshi, but I don’t understand any of this. If nothing is changing, like you all said today, do I even need to think any differently?” 

“Kei, I love you,” Shige says outright, and Koyama hears the ‘but’ before he goes on. “But I’m going to need you to try harder to separate your understanding of gender from society’s infatuation with segregating men and women. It’s not either-or anymore…it’s a spectrum of possibilities ranging from all to nothing.” 

Koyama’s head hurts. “Can you send me some easy-to-read literature or something? Diagrams? I want to understand, but I can’t.” 

“You can do anything in the entire world,” Shige tells him, and Koyama’s heart swells. “I’ll see if I can find something online that explains it better, but I think you may have better luck spending more time with Tegoshi and experiencing it firsthand. They certainly wouldn’t turn away special attention from Leader.” 

“Thirty years old and still a child,” Koyama says fondly, and Shige laughs. “All right. Thanks for the pep talk. I’ll call him— _them_ and set something up.” 

“I believe in you, Kei.” 

Koyama hangs up feeling motivated and encouraged. It may seem like he was suddenly dropped into a parallel reality where nothing is as he knows, but he’s confident that he can adapt. For Tegoshi, and for himself. 

* 

He’s not sure what he expected on his first private outing with Tegoshi in ages, but more of the same was not it. Shopping together is so familiar that Koyama relaxes, even when Tegoshi drags him back and forth between the men’s and women’s sections in every store they visit. 

“This is so annoying,” Tegoshi huffs, blowing their bangs out of their eyes as they survey the racks of gendered clothing. “I can only get overly feminized or overly masculinized clothes in these kinds of places.” 

“I bet Massu could design you something,” Koyama offers. 

“You say that like he hasn’t already been,” Tegoshi says, flashing Koyama an over-the-shoulder grin. “He’s been practicing on me for years. My style isn’t nearly as flashy as his though.” 

That’s the understatement of the year, but Koyama keeps that to himself. Instead, he focuses on Tegoshi’s movements and studies how different they are from Koyama’s own. He doesn’t notice that anything has changed—Tegoshi is Tegoshi no matter how they identify. Even when they presented as a woman, they still walked, talked, and gestured the same way. Whatever this difference is, it’s not a physical one, which eases Koyama’s nerves enough to forget about his lacking alliance. 

“So good!” Tegoshi exclaims after slurping up a generous amount of steaming ramen. 

“Tasty!” Koyama replies without missing a beat, the old banter between Tegoshi and their previous leader passed along easily. 

“You’ve been looking at me a lot,” Tegoshi observes. “Are you just admiring my beauty, or is there something you want to say?” 

Koyama smiles despite being caught. “You got me. I am still struggling to understand your new gender identity, but so far this has been the same as any other time we’ve hung out.” 

“I sure hope so,” Tegoshi says. “I’d hate it if you looked at me differently after so long.” 

“Aren’t I supposed to, though?” Koyama asks, his insecurities returning as his own bowl of ramen warms his face. “You want to be seen this new way, and I’m finding it difficult to adapt since everything is staying the same.” 

“Kei-chan,” Tegoshi says slowly, the familiar name calming Koyama’s anxiety. “Have you ever even looked at me as a man?” 

“Yes?” Koyama answers. “I think I have. You were so young when we first met, and there were those years as Yuuko, and…” 

Tegoshi’s shaking their head as Koyama trails off. “You haven’t. You’ve always treated me more gently than Massu or Shige or even the juniors, and I like it. You don’t hold me to some unobtainable standard just because of how I was born, and even if you don’t fully understand it, you _want_ to, and that means more to me than any words you could say.” 

“I just want to respect you,” Koyama mutters. 

Tegoshi reaches across the table and grabs onto Koyama’s hand. “You’re the _last_ person I’m worried about not respecting me.” 

Koyama hadn’t realized his hands were shaking until Tegoshi held one, squeezing his fingers gently in an uncharacteristic comfort swap. “I’m trying,” he says, lifting his eyes to meet Tegoshi’s. “I don’t know what it means to not feel like a man _or_ a woman, but I believe you when you say it.” 

“You wouldn’t know that, right?” Tegoshi says brightly. “You identify as a man, so you know what it feels like to be a man. It’s not your fault. Just recognize that there are more than just two genders, and I’m happy.” 

“Okay,” Koyama agrees. “Thanks.” 

“It’s a shame Massu’s not a lesbian,” Tegoshi goes on, “because then we would represent every letter of LGBT!” 

Koyama laughs and points his chopsticks at Tegoshi. “Even _I_ know there are more letters now!” 

They finish their ramen in comfortable silence, aside from Tegoshi’s gratuitous slurping, and Koyama writes this off as a lesson learned. The whole reason he’d had so much trouble seeing Tegoshi as neither gender is because he _already_ saw them that way. There is just a term for it now, and Koyama doesn’t need to do anything different because he’s already been doing it. 

He returns home feeling on top of the world, summarizing his day for Shige in a message and getting a rainbow flag emoji in return. If he got the approval of Johnny’s most outspoken activist, he’s got nothing else to worry about. 

* 

“You’re being weird,” Massu tells him midway through their next SCP recording. “Stop being weird.” 

“I don’t know how!” Koyama exclaims, grabbing onto his tie for lack of anything more stable. “I thought I had it all figured out, but then you guys started discussing manliness and everything I thought I knew no longer made sense.” 

“Hey, are you okay?” KAT-TUN's Ueda pokes his head around the corner, offering a smile that looks out of place on his chiseled face. “Is Koyama-kun not feeling well?” 

“Not at all,” Koyama says truthfully, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry, but I think we should start over and talk about something else.” 

“I think it’s good that you’re showing your ignorance,” Kame offers in what he probably thinks is a reassuring way. “A lot of our fans still have the same archaic understanding of gender roles. They can relate to you, and learn along with you.” 

“Don't make an example out of him,” Tegoshi says firmly, and Koyama’s hit by a tidal wave of guilt. “Please let it go.” 

“Use me instead,” Massu volunteers, and six heads turn to face him. “I’ll pretend to be the ignorant one, and we can just rerecord from right after Koyama made the comparison between playing sports and being manly.” 

Koyama hangs his head, regretting the words that had come out of his mouth just a few moments prior, but he shows his agreement with the others and takes his place on set. 

“You know girls can play soccer too, right Kei-chan?” Tegoshi asks sweetly, falling right back into his role like the cameras never stopped rolling. 

“Of course,” Koyama replies, and he has his mouth open to speak when Massu cuts him off. 

“It’s different though, isn’t it?” Massu asks. “Masculinity and femininity in sports, I mean.” 

“I don’t think so,” Kame disagrees easily. “It’s the same activity. Gender has nothing to do with it.” 

“I _love_ sporty girls,” Tegoshi says with a wink. “Someone who could score on me on the field would definitely win me over!” 

The way he says it implies that they could score on him _off_ the field too, and Shige scolds him while Ueda looks impressed that NEWS actually talks like that. Clearly, he hasn’t heard Tegoshi’s latest solo. 

“Nakamaru-kun, what do you think?” Massu prompts, throwing his old friend under the bus. “Aren’t men and women different in the way they do things? Even if women are playing sports, they’re doing so in a feminine manner.” 

Nakamaru stares at him with the air of someone who couldn’t give half a shit about this conversation. “I think everyone is different, no matter how they identify. Shoving people into boxes defeats the very purpose of humanity.” 

“So cool!” Tegoshi exclaims, echoed by Kame and Koyama. 

“KAT-TUN are so progressive,” Shige comments, feigning shock, and inches away at the glare he gets from Ueda. 

Massu shrugs, looking indifferent at being called out on TV. 

Kame changes the topic then, and the rest of the recording goes smoothly. Afterward, Koyama sends Massu a grateful look and Massu waves his hand like it’s not even worth nonverbal gratitude. What Koyama is really grateful for is that nobody’s mad at him for saying something so problematic, Tegoshi hugging him goodbye like any other time they’ve worked together. 

“Didn’t peg you as a misogynist,” Kame says quietly as Koyama gathers his things to leave. 

Koyama sputters indignantly as he meets the youngest KAT-TUN member’s eyes. “I am _not_ —” 

“As a recovering one, I know my own,” Kame interrupts, and Koyama falls silent. “Can I buy you a drink?” 

“Sure,” Koyama answers before he fully thinks about it, and by the time his brain catches up, he’s at a nearby pub with a bottle in his hand. 

“I know you don’t hate women,” Kame tells him, and he feels a little better about life. “You do look at them differently, though, right? I used to think that women were helpless creatures who only cared about looking cute and being protected.” 

Koyama blinks. “Women are not helpless.” 

“I know that now.” Kame offers a small smile. “My point is, as long as you continue to segregate the sexes in your mind, you’re upholding the mindset that there are stereotypical gender roles to be recognized in a society. Do you understand?” 

“Not really.” Koyama sips his beer slowly. “And I don’t segregate the sexes. I know that sex isn’t the same thing as gender. I have the poster child for LGBT rights in my group, you know.” 

“Are you talking about Kato or Tegoshi?” Kame asks warmly, and they both laugh. “I apologize, I misspoke. I meant to say that you segregate the binary genders. I’m fluid, so the concept of there only being two genders seems foreign to me.” 

“Fluid?” Koyama repeats. 

“Genderfluid,” Kame explains. “Sometimes I feel like a man, sometimes I feel like a woman, and sometimes I feel like both or neither. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember, before there were even words for it. I present as a man at work and in public, but that’s just clothes. It’s quite easy to pass as cisgendered when all I have to do is cut my hair and wear pants.” 

Koyama thinks about Tegoshi’s fashion woes and nods. “So, there are different ways of being…not a man or a woman?” 

“Nonbinary,” Kame corrects. “That’s the umbrella term we use for anyone who doesn’t fully identify as male or female, whether it matches their assigned gender or not. There’s bigender, pangender, agender, and the more inclusive genderqueer label for those who don’t really care to narrow it down any further.” 

“Bigender,” Koyama says. “Like bisexual, but with genders?” 

“Exactly!” Kame exclaims, looking elated that Koyama is finally following along. “My gender fluctuates, so I’m fluid. If I felt like both a man and a woman at the same time, I’d be bi. Pan is _everything_ , male and female and androgynous. I don’t actually know any pangendered people, but it’s a valid identity.” 

Koyama thinks about this. “How do you know if you feel these different ways?” 

Kame shrugs. “I just do. I think most enbies—nonbinary people—find that they don’t feel comfortable with the traditional male and female gender roles and go from there.” 

“Isn’t that further segregating?” Koyama asks, the pieces starting to fit together in his head. “You’re essentially validating gender roles by defying them without using the gendered label.” 

“How do you mean?” Kame asks, looking mildly interested. 

“Like.” Koyama inhales, putting his thoughts together before speaking. “I have a lot of feminine qualities, right? I’m emotional and sensitive and I cry when I’m moved. If I were to take that to mean that I’m a woman, I’d be upholding the problematic mentality that women are emotional instead of defying the stereotype as an emotional man.” 

“This isn’t about stereotypes,” Kame says gently, like he’s trying to explain something simple to a child. “It’s about how you _feel_. If you felt like a woman, then your emotions are a woman’s emotions. If you feel like a man, they’re a man’s emotions. Even nonbinary people have emotions. I know I do. It’s true that toxic masculinity leads many people who are socialized as men to repress their feelings, but that has nothing to do with gender identity.” 

Koyama sighs. “I don’t understand.” 

“You don’t have to,” Kame tells him, just like Shige and Tegoshi had. “I wish I could reset your brain and let you start over with a more updated way of seeing gender. All of the influences we had growing up are difficult to undo unless it affects you personally.” 

“I want to be a good ally,” Koyama says in a small voice. “I’m the leader, right? I should be the one setting an example, not falling behind.” 

“If it helps at all,” Kame says, “try to disassociate things like appearance and activities with gender. If you catch yourself thinking ‘that’s a boy thing’, challenge yourself with the thought that girls can do it too. No matter what it is.” 

Koyama nods. “Okay. Thanks for trying to help me.” 

“Koyama-kun, we all grew up in the spotlight. We all live in the same country, in the same century. What kind of idols are we if we don’t question the status quo and strive to make things more inclusive for _everyone_?” 

“You sound like Shige,” Koyama says fondly. “He had a whole manifesto ready to throw at management if they got on his case about publicly supporting LGBT rights.” 

“He didn’t need it, did he?” Kame asks knowingly. “Management can ignore it all they want, but at least half of us are gay and there are a good number still questioning. This industry attracts that type of person. Ueda and Nakamaru are the _only_ straight Johnny’s I know, and I know a lot of them.” 

Koyama thinks about being embarrassed that his sexuality is so obvious, but he gave up caring about that a long time ago. He imagines a world where people like Kame and Tegoshi feel the same way about their gender—or lack thereof—and smiles. 

“What are straight people _like_?” he asks, only half facetiously, and Kame bursts out laughing. 

“They’re a rare breed,” Kame replies, holding up his bottle for a toast. “To the deviants!” 

“Kampai!” Koyama exclaims, the resulting clank a defined turning point in his journey. 

* 

Massu swears up and down he’s not gay, but he’s kissed Tegoshi way too many times for that to hold any merit. He’ll argue that kissing isn’t an admittance of sexuality, that he’s not attracted to Tegoshi just like he’s not attracted to anyone, but even he knows that it falls under the umbrella of “gay” just like basically everything else they do at work. 

Besides, he uses the same amount of passion and insistence to state that he’s not straight. “It’s more than just attraction now, isn’t it? It’s heteronormative ideals and gender roles and basically upholding traditional values like conservative old men.” 

Koyama nods as he eats his lunch. They’re filming a PV and dressed in one of Massu’s elaborate creations, and Koyama is trying his damnedest not to get sauce on anything. “Do you want kids?” he asks suddenly, because he’s never asked and everyone lies in magazine interviews. 

“Not in this world,” Massu answers, wolfing down an enormous bite before speaking. “I don’t want to make them for sure. Maybe in the future, when my career has hit its peak and I can devote the time and energy into raising them without too much outside influence. No kids of mine are going to blindly follow the rules of this society, anyway.” 

“Interesting,” Koyama says. “I’ve never considered any other life except getting married and having children.” 

“As expected from Koyama.” Massu grins. “You’re gonna be a great dad.” 

“I just have to _find_ someone,” Koyama goes on exasperatedly. “You’d think that being into men and women would give me more options, but I haven’t even been on a date in two years.” 

“Dates are pointless,” Shige speaks up from where he’d been doing something on his laptop. “The whole getting-to-know-you conversation can happen before you waste your time, right?” 

“I suppose,” Koyama gives in. “I like dates though. They’re fun and they give me an excuse to go out and spoil someone.” 

“You’re so old fashioned,” Tegoshi teases him, leaning over to rest their head on Koyama’s shoulder. “You should take me on a date!” 

“I already spoil you!” Koyama exclaims. “I just bought you ramen the other day.” 

“Yeah, but it wasn’t a _date_ ,” Tegoshi teases. “I would definitely remember being embraced by Kei-chan’s strong arms.” 

Massu snorts into his food and Shige shakes his head. 

“Tego-chan, I love you, but I don’t _love_ you,” Koyama says, nudging Tegoshi with his shoulder. 

“Who said anything about love?” Tegoshi asks, waggling their eyebrows as they get into Koyama’s face. “Come on, Leader, it’ll be fun.” 

“I have no doubt in my mind about that.” Koyama resolves to eat with one hand and snakes the other around Tegoshi’s waist. Tegoshi sighs happily, snuggling closer and abandoning their own lunch. “Hey, you," Koyama adds, poking Tegoshi in the arm. "Eat.” 

Tegoshi whines but does as they’re told. “Is it because you’re not attracted to genderfree people? You like masculine men and feminine women, but nothing in-between.” 

Koyama stills, but Tegoshi keeps eating like they hadn’t said anything hurtful. “Ouch.” 

“It’s true, isn’t it?” Shige challenges. 

“In Koyama-kun’s defense,” speaks up Massu, “I have a long list of reasons I would never date Tegoshi that has nothing to do with their appearance.” 

“I’m not trying to date you anyway,” Tegoshi says to Massu, sticking their tongue out like a child. “I _enjoy_ getting laid.” 

Massu waves his hand like he’s dismissing Tegoshi’s entire existence, unbothered by the dig. The words have Koyama snapping his head to the side, regarding Tegoshi’s made up face and PV hair. 

“You want to have sex with me?!” he hisses, knowing better than to raise his voice. 

Tegoshi shrugs. “Like I said, it’s not about love.” 

“Which just backs up what _I_ said about dates being a waste of time,” Shige points out, looking pleased with himself even in this costume. “If the end result is in bed, there’s no reason to spend a whole bunch of time out of it.” 

“Will you stop egging them on?” Koyama asks Shige, who just grins. 

“I’ve always been jealous, you know,” Tegoshi says quietly, looking back and forth between Koyama and Shige. “Shige got to experience that with you and I never did.” 

“That was ten years ago!” Koyama stares helplessly at Shige. “Do you even remember when we were dating?” 

“I remember feeling suffocated a lot,” Shige answers, and Koyama rolls his eyes. “We’re definitely better as friends. I get to breathe this way.” 

“I don’t mind clingy boyfriends,” Tegoshi says pointedly, elbowing Koyama’s side. 

“This whole conversation started because Massu and I were talking about families,” Koyama says to Tegoshi. “Do you really see yourself raising kids with me?” 

“This is why nobody wants to date you,” Massu says, offering a sympathetic smile at Koyama’s narrowed eyes. 

“One day at a time, yeah?” Tegoshi answers, looking unfazed at the question. “Day one is a date. I know you’re free tomorrow. Pick me up at seven!” 

Koyama knows defeat when he feels it, and agreeing to a date with Tegoshi is the best way to end this topic. He ignores Shige’s lewd faces as he finishes his lunch and gets back to work, forgetting about dating and sex (with _Tegoshi_ )until he gets home and gives himself a long, hard stare in the mirror. 

Is he really not attracted to Tegoshi because they’re not a man or a woman? 

It was unfair to bring up Koyama’s past with Shige, because that hardly counts as a proper relationship. Koyama actually forgets it ever happened until someone mentions it, and then he thinks back to all the yearning and arguing he’d rather not associate with his best friend. They had been physically intimate—Koyama's first time with a man and Shige’s first for everything—but Koyama doesn’t remember any of that. Koyama loves Shige like he loves Massu and Tegoshi, and he doesn’t regret their time together at all, but Shige’s right—they are definitely better as friends. 

Koyama thinks twice before dialing the phone number has hasn't seen in quite a while, then realizes how ridiculous he’s being and places the call. 

“Koyama!” the familiar yet distant voice answers. “Is everything okay?” 

“Does something have to be wrong for me to call you?” Koyama counter-asks, only halfway kidding. “How are you?” 

“Oh, you know. Living the dream.” Yamapi laughs and it’s such a comforting sound that all of Koyama’s apprehension melts away. “Hold on a sec.” 

There are some muffled noises, something that sounds like a child screeching and moving around until Yamapi uncovers the phone. 

“Are you busy?” Koyama asks, suddenly worried that he interrupted something important. 

“Not at all,” Yamapi answers, and Koyama breathes a sigh of relief. “I could use a break from the kids, to be honest. Jin may have settled into the family life, but I haven’t. My eardrums haven’t quite adapted, anyway.” 

Koyama smiles. “How are the little Akanishis?” 

“Loud.” Yamapi laughs again, and Koyama thinks he could bottle it and sell it as a calming technique. “I know you didn’t call me to catch up, Kei. What’s going on? First—is everyone okay?” 

“We’re all fine,” Koyama tells him, his heart bursting at his old leader still caring about them even though he’s not contractually obligated to anymore. “Tegoshi wants to date me.” 

“Oh my.” Yamapi makes a few thoughtful noises, then a deflating noise. “That is a conundrum. What are you going to do?” 

“I don’t know,” Koyama admits. “I don’t have feelings for them like that, but they accused me of writing them off because I only like men and women.” 

If any of this confuses Yamapi, he doesn’t let on. “Seems to me that there are many other reasons why you wouldn’t want to date someone besides their gender.” 

“That’s what I said!” Koyama exclaims. “Well, what Massu said. But still. I feel bad but I don’t want to date them just to prove a point. I already made that mistake with Shige.” 

Yamapi makes a low noise. “That you did.” 

“You remember, right?” Koyama asks. “How awful we were together.” 

“And you think you and Tegoshi would be the same?” Yamapi asks. Koyama nods before he remembers that Yamapi can’t hear him. “Have you considered how Tegoshi feels about all this?” 

“Tegoshi is undoubtedly out to have a good time and explore what may or may not happen between us,” Koyama answers confidently. “I’m sorry but it’s not the same to me.” 

“Still so serious about your relationships, I see.” Yamapi chuckles. “It is possible to date someone casually, you know.” 

“I don’t think I’m programmed for that,” Koyama admits. “At this point, I’m only interested in the long term.” 

“And you don’t think Tegoshi could be long term?” 

Koyama pauses. “No, I don’t.” 

“I think,” Yamapi says slowly, “that taking him out could be fun. If my memory serves me right, he’s a good kisser.” 

Koyama laughs. Of course Yamapi would know that. “I’ll try to open my mind.” 

“Don’t lead him on though,” Yamapi warns. “He deserves better than that.” 

“I know, and I won’t.” Koyama frowns into the phone. “Are you seeing anybody?” 

Yamapi scoffs. “I’m seeing _everybody_ ,” he answers cryptically. 

“You’re not seeing me,” Koyama teases. 

“You couldn’t handle this.” 

“Probably not.” Koyama relaxes into the laughter, easy and carefree like all things Yamapi. “Thanks for listening.” 

“Anytime,” Yamapi says, and Koyama believes it. “And hey, you should call Ryo-chan sometime too. But maybe not about Tegoshi.” 

Koyama imagines invoking Ryo’s protective wrath over their youngest that very likely still exists and shudders. “Definitely not.” 

They end the call with promises to meet soon, and Koyama doesn’t know if they’re empty or not. He can never tell with that one. 

_I talked to Yamapi tonight_ , he messages Shige as he gets ready for bed. _He says you should call Ryo._

_Nice try, but I talk to Ryo all the time_ , Shige answers, and Koyama gasps at his phone. _Better rest up for your date tomorrow. ;) ;)_

Koyama rolls his eyes and tosses his phone aside. He tries to think on the bright side and plan a fun date for Tegoshi, but his mind keeps coming back to actually _being with Tegoshi_ and he tosses and turns the entire night. 

Just before sleep overtakes him, he admits to himself that everyone might be right after all. He’s simply not attracted to genderfree people, and that includes Tegoshi. 

* 

The movie is boring. If he’d been out with anyone else, they’d be hardcore making out in the back row by now, never mind that he’s far from a teenager and he has his own place for those kinds of activities. With the prices of movie tickets these days, they should really expect patrons to make the most out of their time and money by utilizing the theater seats for whatever they please. 

With Tegoshi snuggling into his side and his own thoughts racing, making out is the furthest thing from Koyama’s mind. Tegoshi looks cute enough, wearing an oversized graphic tee and leggings with a backwards snapback, their nails perfectly manicured and painted with clear sparkle polish. They’re wearing makeup, but it’s nothing like when they were Yuuko and their entire identity was based on being as feminine as possible. 

If nothing else, Tegoshi looks happy and comfortable, which makes Koyama happy and comfortable by proxy. He hadn’t dressed up much, which had prompted Shige to accuse him of not taking this date seriously, but Koyama assured him that he’d spent a lot of time on his hair and picked out his cologne with Tegoshi in mind. With how close Tegoshi is to him, they clearly have no complaints about the latter. 

“This movie is so bad,” Koyama whispers, and Tegoshi giggles into his side. “I almost want to walk out and ask for a refund.” 

“I’m okay staying here,” Tegoshi says pointedly. “I like being like this with you.” 

“I admire how honest you are about your feelings,” Koyama thinks out loud, wishing not for the first time that he had that kind of confidence. “I’m always scared I’m going to come off too strongly.” 

“That’s because Shige dumped you for being clingy when you were young and impressionable,” Tegoshi says bluntly. “It was a long time ago, but that kind of thing stays with you.” 

Koyama doesn’t say anything, just tightens his hold on Tegoshi. “I suppose you’re right.” 

“Of course I am.” Koyama can feel Tegoshi’s grin against his collarbone. “I’m always right.” 

It’s the last they speak until the movie ends and Tegoshi makes a big show of not letting go until the credits finish rolling. Eventually they sigh and get up, trudging to Koyama’s car like walking was _so much effort_ , and Koyama smiles a little at seeing such characteristic Tegoshi even on a date. 

“Where to next?” they ask, looking like they could fall asleep right there in Koyama’s passenger seat, and Koyama considers Tegoshi’s hooded eyes and glossy lips for the entire ten seconds it takes him to make his decision. 

“My place?” he suggests, gaping at Tegoshi’s raised eyebrows. “If that’s okay with you, I mean. I can just take you home. No big deal.” 

“Kei-chan, relax,” Tegoshi says gently, reaching across the console to place their hand on top of Koyama’s. “I absolutely want to go home with you. I just didn’t think you’d want to, is all.” 

“I…do,” Koyama says slowly, automatically rubbing Tegoshi’s thumb with his. Like the man is supposed to, he realizes amusedly. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it’s okay to do those things without feelings. I want to make you feel good, and it’s within my means to do that, even if it won’t go any further than this.” 

“Just tonight,” Tegoshi agrees, looking unbothered in the slightest. “Lead the way, Leader.” 

The drive to Koyama’s place is excruciatingly long, Tegoshi’s fingers coming to life halfway there and tracing Koyama’s knuckles and arm muscles, effectively driving him crazy. With as much as he’d worked himself into a frenzy simply going on this date with the possibility of it ending up like this, this is the easy part. Things like lust and infatuation are mindless, painless. Koyama’s happy to turn his mind off for a while and let other body parts take over. 

Tegoshi takes their time getting settled when Koyama lets them inside, taking in the décor that hasn’t changed much since the last time they were here. It’s a simple one-bedroom apartment, fit for an idol who doesn’t spend a lot of time at home, although Tegoshi seems to light up the dim atmosphere simply by existing there. 

“Are you gonna stare at me, or are you gonna take me to bed?” Tegoshi asks. 

Koyama smiles, his nerves starting to singe at the inviting way Tegoshi drapes themself over his couch, looking like they’d been positioned there by a photographer. 

“I’m gonna stare at you,” he answers facetiously, taking his time appreciating Tegoshi’s features that become more and more appealing with each passing second. The Koyama who couldn’t fathom the possibility of having sex with Tegoshi yesterday was now about to, consensually, even looking forward to it. 

“Should I…give you something to watch?” Tegoshi asks, fighting fire with fire, and Koyama gasps as Tegoshi trails one finger along the expanse of their collarbone, exposed by the wide collar of their shirt. “I don’t mind starting without you.” 

“You…that is…” Koyama sputters, losing all of his cool faster than he’d found it at the thought of having a front-row seat for everything that Tegoshi has teased the world with for years. “Go ahead.” 

A smirk spreads across Tegoshi’s lips as their hand drifts down their chest, lingering at their waist before continuing down the front of the leggings. The stretchy material didn’t do much to hide Tegoshi’s genitalia to begin with, and it becomes evident when Tegoshi starts to get aroused under their own touch. Koyama gasps as the bump hardens right before his eyes, and he makes it until Tegoshi squeezes themself before crossing the room and hovering over them. 

“Yes?” Tegoshi asks, their sarcastic tone mixed with breathy moans. “Is there something you want, Kei-chan?” 

Koyama kisses them. He knows he should ask first, even if Tegoshi is clearly consenting all over his couch, but he can’t stop himself from closing the distance between them and tasting those lips. The first thing he notices is that Tegoshi’s lip gloss is flavored, piña colada exploding on his lips and then his tongue as he licks his way into Tegoshi’s mouth. 

Yamapi had spoken the truth—Tegoshi is an _amazing_ kisser, and Koyama finds himself taken under by the mind-blowing ministrations of Tegoshi’s mouth. One hand slides up his neck into his hair, a few stray fingers drifting just underneath his hairline, and that feels good too. Consider Koyama seduced. 

A knee bumps his hip and he leans down more, feeling for himself Tegoshi’s hand between their own legs, swallowing the moans that die on his tongue as Tegoshi continues touching themself. Koyama would gladly take over, but it’s hotter feeling Tegoshi do it, his own pants getting tighter as he contemplates taking Tegoshi right here on the couch. 

“Mm, Kei-chan,” Tegoshi whispers between kisses, rocking up into their own touch and pointedly pulling Koyama closer. “I want you.” 

Koyama shivers at those words spoken to him by this person in that tone. Every ounce of him wants to grab Tegoshi with both hands and fling them down onto his bed, crawl over them and take everything they’re offering, but all he does is lower his hands to Tegoshi’s sides and dip his mouth into Tegoshi’s neck. 

“ _Kei-chan_ ,” Tegoshi calls out, gasping when Koyama slips his hands under their shirt to touch their skin directly. “You’re such an attentive lover.” 

“You sound surprised,” Koyama growls into Tegoshi’s neck, and Tegoshi makes a guilty noise. “I _have_ learned a thing or two in the past ten years, you know.” 

He nips at Tegoshi’s pulse point and takes pride in the full body arch he gets in response. Tegoshi starts to push their hand underneath the waistband of their leggings, but Koyama stops them, pinning their wrist to the couch and hovering his own body just far enough to be out of grinding reach. 

Tegoshi’s whine is beautiful, fueling Koyama to tease them as much as he can before giving in. His own need is strong too, one that hasn’t been met with another person in quite a while. “Touch me,” he breathes, releasing Tegoshi’s wrist and drifting his own fingers along Tegoshi’s waistline. “Touch me and I’ll touch you.” 

Tegoshi’s hands are on him instantly, urging his shirt over his head and splaying all ten fingers and thumbs on his skin. Koyama has a lot of torso length to cover and Tegoshi manages to touch it all in the span of a breath, leaving him shuddering beneath smooth fingertips and blunt nails that are intent on teasing him as much as Koyama’s teasing them. 

Koyama chokes on his air when Tegoshi drops between his legs, squeezing the hard mass in his pants much like they had done to themself, and his patience starts to fade, his hips snapping into the stimulation on their own. “Tego…feels good.” 

“You gonna do that inside me?” Tegoshi asks, their voice dripping with sex, and Koyama shudders from head to toe. “Or maybe you want to do that with me inside of you? How do you like it, Kei-chan?” 

Koyama’s brain can’t process his options right now, either way sounding enticing to him. “Do you have a preference?” he manages to ask. 

“I’d like it if you were inside me,” Tegoshi gets out before Koyama devours them, the words and noises too much to handle without some form of release. He kisses Tegoshi like a lifeline, his hands dropping to Tegoshi’s ass and thighs that seem to grab him back with how toned they are. 

“Let’s go to my room,” he says, giving Tegoshi little choice in the matter as they’re physically relocated down the hall and laid out on Koyama’s bed. His blankets aren't straightened but neither one of them care, Tegoshi slipping between the sheets while Koyama tugs at their clothes. 

Koyama’s on Tegoshi’s cock the instant it’s exposed, sucking it all the way down and licking the head on the upstroke. Tegoshi’s breath catches in their throat and they don’t seem to recover, moaning and writhing all over the place from Koyama’s mouth. Fingers thrust into his hair and encourage him to go faster, guiding him back and forth until he’s forcefully pulled away and looking down at a very flushed Tegoshi. 

“Inside me,” they order. “I brought lube if you don’t have any.” 

Koyama wonders where Tegoshi would have even stashed that, but it’s not necessary to find out as he bangs around in his own dresser until he finds what he needs. “Condom?” he offers. 

Tegoshi shakes their head. “I want to feel all of you.” 

Koyama growls and returns to his rightful place between Tegoshi’s legs, gently prodding them with two slick fingers before slipping one inside. Tegoshi’s noises are almost as nice as they feel, thighs spreading wider as Koyama goes deeper. He kisses Tegoshi through it, his own breath panting when he pushes in a second finger, then a third, stretching carefully and thoroughly while doing his best not to rush. 

“Kei-chan,” Tegoshi breathes against his lips, their own hands tightening on Koyama’s hips. “Now.” 

More lube on his cock and Koyama’s pushing inside, gasping at the tightness and Tegoshi’s guttural moan in his ear. It takes all of his willpower to wait, allowing Tegoshi to adjust to the length inside him, and he makes it until Tegoshi pointedly kicks him in the ass to start moving. He’s tall but he can’t quite reach Tegoshi’s mouth like this, settling for licking the sweat on their chest as he thrusts, his own noises just as loud as Tegoshi’s. 

“Kei-chan, _Kei-chan_ ,” and Koyama preens from making Tegoshi feel so good. He’s overcome by lust and the pure rawness of sex, unable to focus on much else aside from Tegoshi and the pleasure they’re creating together. They’re both covered in sweat and Koyama already knows that he’ll need to change his sheets before he _—_ orthe two of them _—_ go to sleep tonight, but right now all he cares about is plunging his cock into Tegoshi over and over again until they’re both worn out and sated. 

Tegoshi bounces beneath him, pushing back against everything Koyama gives them, and Koyama thinks that Tegoshi may actually be able to come untouched with as much as they're falling apart. Jerking and tensing and it’s almost like fucking a vagina through multiple orgasms—with one big difference. Koyama had expected Tegoshi to touch themself again, but both of their hands are latched onto Koyama’s back and their hard cock is swinging from side to side from all the motion between them. 

Koyama slides one of his arms underneath Tegoshi’s back to balance himself while he shoves a hand between them, and just like that everything gets much more intimate. He has a deeper angle, for one thing, but he’s also chest to chest with Tegoshi and Tegoshi’s straining their neck to press breathy kisses to Koyama’s forehead. He feels the vibrato in his skull when he takes Tegoshi’s cock in hand, stroking it in time with his efforts, and Tegoshi’s next big body tense doesn’t stop right away. 

“Oh, I’m gonna come,” Tegoshi gasps, nails digging into Koyama’s skin in a way that will undoubtedly leave marks, but right now it has Koyama thrusting harder. He fucks Tegoshi through what feels like an intense orgasm, their body continuing to convulse long after their cock softens, and Koyama finds himself nearing his demise as well. 

“Come for me, Kei-chan,” Tegoshi whispers, still shuddering as they cling to Koyama. “Come _in_ me.” 

Koyama lets out a long groan as he follows orders, his hips snapping in rapid succession before falling still. He feels his release inside Tegoshi and heats up even more at the realization, how irresponsible he would be if Tegoshi had a womb, but right now it feels like he’s laid his claim and it satisfies some primal instinct that only comes out during sex. 

“Mm,” Tegoshi moans, stretching and squirming beneath their sweaty bodies. “Feels good.” 

Koyama leans up enough to kiss Tegoshi on the nose. “I’m glad.” 

He pulls out carefully, shuddering all over again when Tegoshi makes a filthy noise at what is undoubtedly spilling out of them. Koyama’s arms almost give out, but he manages to get to his feet and retrieve a warm washcloth from the bathroom to clean up Tegoshi the best he can. 

“Do I have to go home?” Tegoshi asks, frowning at the effort they would undoubtedly make to move or get dressed or do anything other than lying there being doted on. 

“Eventually,” Koyama answers. “You can sleep here tonight, but you have to get up so I can change the sheets.” 

Tegoshi sighs like that’s the worst thing in the world, but they inevitably roll out of the way for Koyama to strip the bed. Once the new sheets are on, Tegoshi plops right back where they had been, and Koyama joins them after finding a pair of shorts to sleep in. 

“It’s okay that we did that, right?” he asks, his insecurity shining once the orgasmic high wears off. 

“Yes,” Tegoshi replies, scooting back to invite themself into Koyama’s embrace. “You suck at dates, but you put out nicely.” 

Koyama’s indignant scoffs are barely audible over Tegoshi’s laughter. 

* 

It hits Koyama in the middle of an interview, when the questions start not making sense based on everything he’s learned— _experienced—_ in the past few weeks. 

“’Manliness’ is whatever a man deems it to be, isn’t it?” he answers, feeling just as confused as the look on the interviewer’s face. “If a man does something, it’s manly.” 

Shige and Massu hide a smile, and Tegoshi looks like Koyama had just hung the fucking moon. 

“’What do the other members do that is manly?’” Koyama repeats, then shakes his head. “That’s up to them to decide, if they even want to.” 

The interviewer blinks. “You’re supposed to answer for all three of them, Koyama-san.” 

“They can answer for themselves,” Koyama says firmly. “It’s not up to me to decide if someone else is manly or not. The whole concept of manliness assumes that certain traits are superior to others and furthers the social divide between men and women. If you want to know how the other members show strength, or confidence, then use those words instead. Assigning these qualities only to men implies that women are not strong or confident, and I won’t stand for that.” 

Silence. Immediately, Koyama’s scared that he went too far, that they’ll print his rant in an unflattering manner and he’ll be slighted for insubordination, but eventually the interviewer sighs and crosses something out on his list. 

“Koyama-san, what do the other members do that shows strength and confidence?” 

Koyama grins. It’s a small victory, but it’s worth it to see the happiness on Tegoshi’s face. 

“If I had known Tegoshi could fuck the understanding into you, I would have suggested that first,” Shige says as they pack up to leave for the day. 

Koyama thinks about correcting him, then decides against it. Shige can think what he wants. 

“So, are you two a thing now?” Shige asks, leaning over to keep unsuspecting ears from picking up his words. “If you are, I have to say, you’ve come a long way from attaching yourself to the person you’re dating every time you see them.” 

Koyama elbows him. “We are _not_ a thing. We had fun together and that was it. They deserve much better than someone who isn’t attracted to them.” 

“As long as you both know that,” Shige says pointedly. 

Koyama rolls his eyes and looks over to find Tegoshi admiring themself in the mirror. “Are you harboring unresolved feelings for me, Tego-chan?” 

“Not the last time I checked,” Tegoshi answers, smiling sweetly at both Shige and Koyama. “Although I wouldn’t mind another horrible date.” 

Shige laughs out loud and Koyama shakes his head. “Maybe dates are overrated after all.” 

“Don’t worry, Kei-chan,” Tegoshi says. “You’ll find someone!” 

“I don’t need to hear that from you!” Koyama exclaims, and they both laugh. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Massu speaks up out of nowhere, earning the attention of the other three. “I might be attracted to women after all.” 

Shige gasps. "Scandalous." 

“A true pioneer in this era,” Tegoshi adds. 

Koyama remembers his conversation with Kame and concludes, “How deviant.” 

“Will you still love me even if I’m… _hetero_?” Massu asks seriously, earning three whacks to the head. 

Shige sets his jaw. “I don’t understand it, but I can accept your life choice.” 

“ _Only_ girls?” Tegoshi asks, blinking wide eyes. “Are you sure it’s not just a phase?” 

“As long as you don’t start a family,” Koyama says. “Think of the children!” 

Massu keeps a straight face for two more seconds before he doubles over laughing, setting the others off. Koyama slings an arm around him, offering assurance that they will support him even if he’s one of _those_ people, and Tegoshi sidles up to Massu’s other side to get in on the member love. 

Shige stares at them as he keeps his distance. “Sorry, I don’t want to catch your straight cooties.” 

Both Koyama and Tegoshi grab for him, pulling an undignified squeak from his usually low voice as he’s dragged into their hug. Suddenly, Massu grabs Shige’s face and plants one right on his mouth, leaving the younger man bewildered while Tegoshi and Massu laugh harder. 

Gender is irrelevant, Koyama inevitably decides as he watches his precious members horse around like any other day. Even before Tegoshi’s (third) coming out, he’s been seeing the three of them as people, not men. If Koyama’s learned anything throughout this mental excursion, it’s that identities like gender and sexuality are individual feelings. No one’s going to experience it the same way as someone else, and that’s okay. 

He doesn’t have to understand it, just accept it. 

_I’m proud of you_ , Shige messages him later when he questions if he did the right thing in the interview today. _I knew you’d get it._

Koyama bites back a quip about being the older one and sends back a single rainbow flag emoji. The next swipe has him opening another message box. 

_I’ll agree to a second date if you’re the one to take me out this time. It better be fun!_

A little while later, his phone beeps. 

_It’s always fun when I’m in charge. ;) ;)_

Koyama has no idea what to expect, and he’s looking forward to every minute of it. 


End file.
